Dear Future Baby

Hey, baby.

Yesterday, I went to a going away party for a dear friend, and I had anticipated that we would talk about you. The last time I saw that friend was during the two week wait. It had been a week after the IUI but another week before I could test. She knows how much I want you, how much we’ve given to get you.

Your dad couldn’t come to the party until later, so I made a tardy entrance. I knew that once I got to the party, I would find others to talk to, people I had met at other gatherings for this friend, but still I was anxious. It was that awkward moment of arriving and unsure where I fit that delayed my arrival time.

As I walked up to the outdoor party, knowing I would be asked right away if I was drinking, I noticed several young children running around. My friend has a child, but I didn’t think about her friends having children. The sight of these bright humans chasing after balls and waddling around sent a ping to my stomach. I would be the childless one.

When I greeted my friend, she offered me non-alcoholic wine, and noted that there were two pregnant women in attendance who enjoyed it. I told her I was drinking. She nodded her head and pointed to the beer.

Again, another stab.

Pregnancy, babies, children. All things I can’t have but others around me come to (seemingly) easy. I can’t go a day without being reminded that the thing I want most so far within my grasp.

It’s in these moments, baby, that I have to find the balance between acknowledging this pain and pushing past it. If I don’t notice it and bury it, it’s not handled and it will come out in an untimely and inconvenient way. However, if I dwell, I will be consumed by it. How do I know where to go with these feelings?

In this moment, I distracted myself with conversation and a beer. I pushed it down, until I could come here and tell you how sad it was for me to not have you around, to only be able to talk to you as a future goal. I am sure someday that will be me in the park running after kids or hiding my growing belly under a sun dress.

I just wish that day was sooner rather than later.

Love you,

Mom